Zero Man
by Sarah the Welsh One
Summary: Before Graduation Day Part 2, Xander gets depressed.


TIMELINE: Between Graduation Day Part 1 and Graduation Day Part 2  
  
The first song is "Nothing Like" by Matthew Jay, the other is "Nice to Be Out" by the Stereophonics  
  
Zero Man  
  
"I've been walking in your shoes, wearing your face  
  
It stretches over mine and wears a little thin  
  
An independent survey carried out through other's eyes  
  
I am nothing like the man you think I am" -  
  
'Nothing Like' Matthew Jay  
  
"Neat photo!" she exclaims, and you look at her with something like disbelief.  
  
"Neat? Willow. I look like the Fonz. Only less cool."  
  
Oz smirks and leans over her shoulder. "Lavelle. I like it."  
  
"You and my father both." You stare at your photo in the yearbook and will it to combust in front of your eyes. Why did  
  
you pull that pose at the shoot? Why did you try and look cool - why didn't you just sit normally and smile like everyone  
  
else? (Daddy, Daddy, can I see your graduation yearbook? Sure, honey, but first watch these old reruns of Happy  
  
Days.) "My parents never caught the perfect form of physical torture, but they got it bang on with the subtle, lifelong  
  
version." Your father. Rides your pain like a wave. "So, tomorrow. We're all getting eaten by a giant snake. How are we  
  
all going with that?"  
  
You spot that little frown brewing between her eyebrows and hark, that must be the Slayer pride parade charging in  
  
the distance. "No, we're not. Buffy's gonna save us. Xander. Where's your faith? Don't say stuff like that."  
  
Where's your faith? Is she making a pun? "My Faith. In a hospital bed, if I recall." Buffy's your hero but please. Big fully  
  
fledged Ascended demon is more than a match for her.  
  
The frown becomes fully fledged and you don't even feel guilty. It's the mention of Faith that gets her, you know; she  
  
was never one to march in any parade for that particular Slayer. "Xander."  
  
"Xander what?"  
  
"Xander Lavelle!" That smug laugh and oh God, it would have to be *her*. You recognise that laugh anywhere, the one  
  
that's usually accompanied by a scathing put down that you hit back but still feel, like a pin in your eye. "Poor Xander.  
  
As if being you wasn't bad enough without carrying Lavelle around with you for the rest of your life."  
  
"Don't you have some place else to be?" you snap, and you know her response word for word before she even gives it.  
  
"What place could possibly be better than here, mocking you, nerdlet?"  
  
Nerdlet you let into your pants, Cordy. You smile at her and she almost outwardly flinches away, knowing what you're  
  
thinking. "Oh, okay, so there are a thousand better places I could be." She looks at you and murmurs something as Oz  
  
and Willow go back to their conversation. "Are you going to be around at lunch?"  
  
"I guess." From nerd to hero in two minutes, what a result. She nods and hurries away. Can't be seen with Xander, oh  
  
no, not now her popular friends want her back. "Where is Buffy?"  
  
"Battle planning with Giles." Oz resumes talk with Willow and you sit back with your yearbook. None of your friends have  
  
signed it yet. Willow, Oz, Buffy, not even Cordelia. Too busy for zero man. Sitting on the outside looking in. Somehow.  
  
somehow less than them.  
  
((trying to build the perfect race he said black man ain't gonna run alongside our perfect sons))  
  
The song springs into your mind before you can stop it. Black man. You. Worthless, like they were to their Fuhrer.  
  
Nothing. Zero. Willow, Buffy, Oz, Cordelia, Giles. Purpose in life, clearly defined through the stars. Your purpose is as their loser friend. The sidekick. Always the bridesmaid never the bride syndrome, you could call it. You're not good enough to run alongside them because they're somebodies and you, you are never going to be -  
  
"Xander?" Willow looks hopeful as you snap out of your daydream. She holds out a hand. "Want to let go of blankie for  
  
a second?"  
  
"Huh?" You realise you're hugging your yearbook and hand it over. "Oh. uh. Sure. Yeah."  
  
She scrawls a short message and you wonder if its going to say "Have a good summer." Have a good summer, Xander, hanging around with us. Jimmy Donut Boy Olsen. Have a good summer not taking control of your life. Although this year, you know it's going to be different. You've got wheels, you're going on the biggest adventure of your life. Your battered tin can built in Asia somewhere ("Full of Eastern promise" your mom had joked) ready to zoom you off into the sunset. The hero for a change. You deserve it. ("You must feel like... like Jimmy Olsen") Maybe once, Cordelia, but you can live through a snake attack and you can go on that big adventure. You're the bride, Xander, Lavelle or no Lavelle.  
  
Well - maid of honour. At the very least. 


End file.
